12
Oct
09

The cost of greed: India exits

Before we hang the Men in Blue by their cropped locks (long curls and pony-tails seem passé for India’s young brigade) first, the fundamental flaw. And second, how TV ratings and the Big Boss attitude of BCCI and it’s incestuous sponsors ensured India’s abbreviated presence in the ICC Champions Trophy 2009.

The ICC Champions Trophy format for entering the semi-finals was inherently skewed. They tried the FIFA combination of making it into a mini-league tournament without even the basic comprehension that FIFA matches are all fully completed ones (even if a drawn result). That is what makes the final result of league winners beyond dispute and unnecessary conjecture. Thus, it is a “fair and just” league format. This is precisely where the ICC blundered big-time.

If we have just 2 groups of 4 teams each, every game becomes a virtual knock-out for an early loser or net run-rate based good-fortunes becomes germane. The prime pre-requisite is a “completed match” otherwise teams are subject to whimsical weather conditions depriving them of a fair competitive opportunity. Ideally, they should have made each team play the other twice to establish fair results (since only the Top 8 teams were playing anyway), but since the more lucrative T20 Champions League awaits instant inauguration in a few days, that luxurious benefit had to undergo an austerity measure. So there were no rest days which in reality should be mandatory for international tournaments. Thus, India got somewhat literally washed out of the Australian clash depriving them of any scope for resurrection. When you are already trailing behind, a drawn result is like kissing your sister.

The ICC could have just gone for a do-or-die knock-out tournament like in Kenya 2000, but hey, that would have been little moolah for the sponsoring TV channel as there would be barely 7 matches to telecast. With the ODI version awaiting some tough examination, the ICC failed in giving the tournament what it desperately required – a serious competitive edge. South Africa, India and Sri Lanka tumbled out for their generous contribution in the Joy of Giving week . And overall, almost expectedly the public reception remained as frozen as a margarita. Frankly, the tournament has been a woebegone flop-show.

The Indians were distinctly insipid against their traditional adversaries Pakistan, but the latter deserves maximum credit for mounting a determined effort. Even if for only a brief period till the next T20 World Cup, Pakistan is riding high on that unexpected triumph in England and is relishing the world champion tag. The consequent buoyant confidence is evident. Thus, our neighbors have broken their dismal jinx against us in ICC championships. We beat the Windies convincingly, Tendulkar batted just once, and the rain took care of the rest. We were left ruing the consequences of mounting hubris.

In short, India has basically paid an astronomical price for BCCI greed and sponsor’s arrogance. Let me ask you; why was India’s match scheduled for prime-time TV viewing on a Saturday, days after the tournament had commenced? Don’t other countries in similar time zones or better ones also have a right to their peak audience? Since South Africa has several cricket grounds, why was India’s match delayed for week-end viewing? Why was our second crucial match slotted within 48 hours on a national holiday of Dussehra on Monday? Isn’t that perhaps the real reason why there was no rest day, otherwise India would have ended up playing on three consecutive days? And finally, wasn’t that one unfinished game against the Oz perhaps ultimately responsible for our early elimination, making the West Indies match as inconsequential as a video-game?

The truth is that ICC has blatantly followed BCCI sponsor diktats , and schedules India’s games at sponsor friendly times even at the cost of manipulating standard operating procedures for international matches ( the annulment of buffer days). It is really ridiculous. The fact that a Sunday has became a rest -day before the final being held on a Monday is atrocious and ideally makes no business-sense. But you know what I suspect? There was a supercilious assumption that India would enter the semi-finals anyway ( week-end traffic) , and that is where the TRPs would be staggering. If they reached the finals, knowing the crazy Indian hysteria, even a Monday would not matter.

Just because we have global cricket’s ATM machines centralized in India, we are behaving as if have a natural birthright to world championships. As the last two tournaments have established, overseas cricketers are using our hospitable turf for both match practise , summer diversion and windfall earnings and moving on to play serious cricket in their home tournaments. What are we doing instead? We are going even beyond the IPL and creating city-based T20 corporate leagues, and soon a Sachin Tendulkar or MS Dhoni will also be playing for Dabur , DLF or Dharamsi Morarji Chemicals. We are making our international assets into club cricketers. Mukesh Ambani and Preity Zinta might soon decide India’s and ICCs Test calendar as well. It is time we lowered our foolish aspirations of winning major tournaments, as our obsession to constantly manipulate international cricket is boomeranging on our faces.

Last I heard, some team called Cobras were busy hissing around at practise on our desi-soil. . Champions or Losers League, I don’t quite care. I am not joking, but I seriously suffer from ophidiophobia.

12
Oct
09

Who is the goat? Ponting or Tendulkar?

One of the most astute moves made by a cricketer recently went largely unnoticed, as perhaps several felt that was a sulky over-reaction to a devastating emotional loss of the Ashes. And that too a catastrophic second time on the enemy’s well-laid battle-field. I am referring to Ricky Ponting’s (34) determined decision to quit T20 cricket to further lengthen principally his Test career, now in it’s testing last quarter. On the face of it, it looks professionally imprudent and commercially unwise, and evidently swimming against mounting tides. After all, we have had diametrically opposite reactions from the majority of cricketers, including Adam Gilchrist and Matt Hayden amongst others, who have preferred the pragmatic get-rich-quick-scheme of T20 over whatever remained of their Test and ODI careers. Then there were others like Shane Bond who switched sides to ICL with speed as fast as a bowling machine can capture, their national commitments and official records be damned. That is what makes Ponting’s decision, in my opinion, a tactically brilliant one, well-conceived, thoughtfully internalised. But most importantly, with a purpose.

Ponting has not explicitly admitted it publicly but the truth is that the Australian captain has deep down inside complete contempt for the meaningless travesty that is T20. It was amply manifested in the casual cavalier manner of the Aussies’ inglorious performance in the inaugural T20 World Cup in South Africa. It happens after you have scored more than 12,000 Test and 10,000 ODI runs, you do not quite feel the motivational urge to re-establish your towering credentials in another format, no matter the popular call or money imperatives. Sachin Tendulkar (36) like Ponting is equally foxed at the T20 marketing phenomenon benefiting from the irrational exuberance of TV ratings and excited administrators.

Sachin and Ponting are the world’s best classical Test players and ODI batsmen. Given a choice, Sachin will honestly prefer to be a gleeful spectator along with his family watching the Mumbai Indians in their evening entertainment sweat-out while munching popcorns. But unlike Ponting, he does not have much of a choice. I suspect the deadly trio of BCCI-IPL-Mumbai Indians will not let him go that easily and he is fully aware of that. Because if Sachin quits T20, expect a massive calamitous fall in TRP ratings across networks for a few seasons. Think valuations. This man is not just a cricketing genius, he is an awesome brand power, India’s national treasure.

Ponting and Tendulkar are separated by 20 months in age, 1,428 runs and four centuries in Tests, the only true barometer of international class, of genuine comparison of greats. The only kind of cricket that Sir Don Bradman, Len Hutton and Vivian Richards played. The difference between them based on pro-rata extrapolation is within striking distance for Ponting. In ODIs, Tendulkar is virtually as insurmountable as the Himalayan peaks.

True greatness lies in Test cricket and both Tendulkar and Ponting will give their right arm and elbow to go down as the ultimate greatest. And there are two undisputed measures for that; Test aggregate runs and centuries list; both manifest dominance, longevity and brilliance. Of course, on further investigation one will have to add match-winning knocks as well, but maybe we can discuss that some other time.

Ponting realises perhaps that he may have missed out on the media hype factor to Sachin, but the urge to overtake Tendulkar is high. Ponting can lay claim to having additionally shouldered responsibility for being a fairly successful skipper (barring the dismal Ashes loss 2009) and more importantly led Australia to two successive World Cup victories and even the elusive ICC Champions Trophy. Tendulkar abdicated captaincy, Ponting relished it and even vanquished his foes. But batting records will not capture those impressive leadership feats.

Maybe Ponting’s searing patriotic pride of retaining the masterful title of the modern Bradman on native home turf will give him that motivational prop. For Tendulkar, it will be about preserving that anointment through his customary grit and that insatiable hunger.

They are both undoubtedly great. But who will perhaps end as the greatest-of-all-time of our modern era is still subject to debate and maybe two years.

25
Sep
09

KIRSTEN’S “ TOOL-KIT”

WARNING: IF YOU DON”T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, PLEASE STOP RIGHT NOW!

Sex has always been a very popular subject largely because it is so centrally located, I guess. Indian cricket coach Gary Kirtsen ably assisted by  one Paddy Upton  of course has tried hard to make a Peccadillo Circus of it , dazzling billboards standing erect from it’s towering frame. I am referring to the willful “leak” of his nocturnal plans for tired limbs, parched emotions, gnawing loneliness and severe depreciation of  prize assets of Indian cricketers . A  perfect tool-kit as it were. I won’t be surprised if that extraordinary exposition was circulated by Kirsten in hard cover as well, just in case his message failed to hit the bull’s eye . It could also be termed as fairly  user-friendly gesture from the team’s GPs ( Gary and Paddy).. .

When I first read Gary’s  patchily researched thesis on sexual tension affecting on-field performance of Indian players in screaming headlines in a normally conservative newspaper , I felt an unfathomable empathy for our bechara bachachas ( poor boys!)  in that wild country, cooped up in their dreary empty rooms watching their own muscular frames in large mirrors, in utter loneliness as their testosterone levels dipped towards the midnight hour. One also realized that we were into something not explicitly discussed in the more somber Fourth estate—the swinging libido of our paneer-paratha- swallowing stud-machines. It’s a corny issue. Or a horny one, whichever one you might choose. Either way, from the juicy instructions given out like a process note to undergrad chemistry students in their first day in the lab , it makes for some hilarious reading. It’s ticklish, for sure.

Firstly, since most of our chaps have attained puberty I hope , do they need the cricket coach to give them detailed sermons in fine print on basic raw instincts ? For heaven’s sake, I assume they hang out till choked by claustrophobia together, so can’t all this silly sex education be given as part of a chatty discourse? Now Kirsten reminds me of a local Chandni Chowk sexologist we used to get fascinated as kids to see in huge hoardings , who was India’s first official quack—he wore a massive turban and his moustache literally brushed his large ears. I also do confess to hearing some real salacious gossip about some celebrity Indian cricketers in Sri Lanka, the island nation clearly offering much more than just sand, sea breeze and salmons. So the truth is that Kirsten may be dealing with guys who are past-masters at figuring the mandatory work-out to boost sagging spirits to a T(estosterone).  .
I repeat unless Gary and Paddy  feel that our chaps are benign bozos ( and rest assured, some of them may be) you do not have to circulate such claptrap. Some of our guys are , I am assuming  happily married men with kids  , who the last time they may have been in another woman must have gone visiting the Statute of Liberty. I am sure GPs circulation will cause them with a lot to explain for their Man of the Match awards and those amazing records to their suspicious better-halves. The “Man” of the Match award may soon in any case become a misnomer. Everyone’s curiosity will be on that mysterious deserving woman responsible for those on-field pyrotechnics. .

My real objection is to Kirsten’s sloppy historical reference which manifests both factual inaccuracies and a trite explanation of the Indian national attitude. Sorry guys, but that was truly a lot of cock and bull crap.

As for MSD’s men , they will now with official approbation try their hand at sex  ( pun unintended) . Self-help has indeed been redefined.

02
Sep
09

My name is Shah Rukh Khan

19
Aug
09

The Rise of the Middle-Class Superstar! – Shahid Kapur!

11
Aug
09

SWINE FLU AND SHASTRI JI

SHASTRI JI PRANAM!

“Breaking News: The Prime Minister Manmohan Singh attends office in North Block.” ” Shah Rukh Khan goes for a shoot.” If you read such pieces of atrociousness on TV, you would probably have a nonplussed expression. How is an individual’s prime responsibility of such great importance that his mere visit to his professional headquarters or vocational location should generate so much unnecessary hullabaloo? Well, it happens in our world of Indian cricket.

Ravi Shastri  who now officially heads the National Cricket Academy , supposedly the tallest infrastructure of cricketer grooming in our country apparently made a much-hyped and haloed visit to Bangalore where NCA is located and suddenly that is the singular  news item of the day. Now logically, shouldn’t he be parked there for several months looking at amelioration of cricketing standards, selecting coaches, holding refreshers, instituting intra-academy tournaments, investing in mental conditioning , creating a talent pipeline, and touring the national interiors? Or is he merely a titular head ,  another one of BCCI’s magnanimous “settings” to ensure unfair PR coverage and have an in-house lobbyist? Your guess is better than mine.

Instead, Mr Shastri makes a royal visit a la-Prince Charles on a polo-field  and the NCA is supposed to bend low feeling  privileged to have his emperor’s presence. What a farce! Can someone please share the minutes of the transpired discussions and let the fans know just how many hours has Shastri spent there since assuming “charge” if you can call it that?

WADA-POW-WOW!

Every Mumbai newspaper has expectedly punned the WADA ( the World Anti-Doping Agency) with the city’s trademark native sidewalk favorite ” wada-paav”.  I was thus expecting some earthy words of profound wisdom from some of our famous ex-cricketers and some others on the doping controversy  who otherwise are ready to drop deliberate bomb-shells on celebrity cricketers , make pseudo-patriotic sanctimonious statements , write self-righteous columns and thereby sustain that ” appropriate image”. Funnily, they are right now eerily silent—No Comments! No one wants to upset Big Brother BCCI, you know. What happened, Sirs? At least, one constant nemesis of some  Bishen Singh Bedi has uttered simple axioms of life that our cricketers need to think about .

That is why I feel ex-cricketers will never make it to administrative positions of real responsibility; they are essentially pipsqueaks , chicken-hearted and have deep-rooted vested interests which is easily decipherable. One man who stands out amidst the shameless genuflecting in the chicken-farm is Dilip Vengsarkar. The Colonel is a stubborn rooster.

PAT THE CASH

I wish the ICC chief executive Haroon Logart had been more straightforward and clear in stating that he feared that slush cash would soon have cricket flushed with deep embarrassment of match-fixing if  systematic controls are not effectively established soon. The age of politically correct monotonous speeches is over, Mr Logart ( please refer to Silvio Berlusconi and Barack Obama , if you please). In his talk recently he was actually referring to the IPLs unbridled access to speed money  but he chose to behave like a shy bride instead,   relying on subtle innuendos , unlike a Rakhi Sawant grab till you brag style . It is like pointing fingers at the murderer from the witness box but refusing to call him so.  This is silly old-fashioned practise of diplomatic dumbness. I have been a huge critic of the Texan cowboy George Bush but I admired his shooting from the lip excesses  ” Wanted-Dead or Alive”. Logart could do with some time spent in Georgey’s summer-time ranch.

FROM ASHES TO ASHES

The Ashes have suddenly sprung to life after Australia’s rather insipid crumbles and drab collapses at Lord’s. Albeit England have looked sharper, it is clear that the mighty Oz, suffering from serious paroxysms of jittery pride looked acutely vulnerable. That they are back in contention is a tribute to their sheer obduracy to resist capitulation even in the face of inexorable adversity.

The final Test now marks the finishing line, and from the first ball expect a tough contest and a bitter do or die attitude even from the usually phlegmatic Brits.

In the meantime  I just saw some Breaking News which stated that our cricketers ( including Sachin Tendulkar ) have stated that they will refuse to do any tests if they are suspected to have swine flu as they do not want their privacy to be invaded. Such tests manifest a constitutional impropriety , added the BCCI President Shashank Manohar. Prof Ratnakar Shetty was speaking something about security et al when I switched channels.

05
Aug
09

Dopes and little chickens

The real reason that the BCCI is taking on the entire universe on the ‘Whereabouts’ issue of WADA ( World Anti-Doping Agency) is because they are dopes of the first order.

Sure, the demands by WADA are indeed exacting but if cricket needs a global endorsement it will, must and should adhere to quality standards. Some of the world’s leading athletic superstars including Olympic champions have come under it’s hawk-eye and have been found guilty of deliberate and willful violation.

Performance-enhancement drugs are a modern-day, big money, high media visibility reality; it is important that the surreptitious practise is checked early.

In fact, rumors have flown fast and furious about how the IPL is a perfect setting for drug abuse; continuous cricket, mindless travel, sponsor commitments and late-night partying they all cause both mental and physical debilitation.

The opposition to WADA’s stringent requirements are understandable but if you want to be a multi-millionaire stud with a Porsche, become a role model and adorn billboards, my friend, play by the rules.

Incidentally, it is such a pathetic sight to see Harbhajan Singh and MS Dhoni land up to gang-up against WADA by becoming the pawns of BCCI, but these little chickens had no time to pick up their Padama Vibhushan from the President of India!

The BCCI has stopped shocking me anymore as they are more dense than the Amazon rain-forests. You can easily fathom that these superannuated moss-gathering ancient minds have no understanding of the ramifications of unethical behavior in a highly commercialised and televised sport. They need to understand that the most important reason behind dope-testing is to create a level-playing field so as to ensure that a champion team or the gold medalist has done so without unfair competitive advantage. To argue against that is not just absurd but grossly disrespectful of both the opponents who subject themselves to the tests and the game itself.

The BCCI has dragged in security, privacy and the Indian Constitution into it. Let me take the Indian Constitution first and tell you that it is the BCCI which denies the Indian cricketers the basic fundamental right of free expression by gag orders, restrictions on writing articles and generally frightening the life out of them. Poor Yousuf Pathan has been virtually forced to withdraw his criticism of BCCI by issuing several denials on his brother Irfan Pathan’s controversial drop from the probables squad for the Champions Trophy.

It is a crying shame that the draconian Big Brother attitude of BCCI has not changed even after numerous hard lessons it can draw some learning from.

The privacy argument is a real joke. The Indian cricketers have become like celluloid stars, they just cannot survive without being amidst camera-lights. Thus, you have the new scenario where now cricketers themselves chase Page 3 hang-outs, reality TV and Bollywood conquests; I guess it enhances that “persona effect” and gives them better market valuation. They, in fact, have virtually sold their privacy to their sports agents for further trading gains.

Sure, security is a genuine concern, but almost all leading international sports stars have similar issues in various games; it is not just an Indian problem. The Sri Lankan cricketers are always vulnerable to terrorist organisations even outside of their own country, as are English and Australian cricketers in sensitive regions simply because of the colour of their skin.

Incidentally, WADA is professional enough to empathise with security and safety-related aspects and has it’s own confidentiality norms and ethical commitments to live up to. It is not a product of a banana-republic for heaven’s sake.

Ideally, the BCCI should sign-up (as have all the other teams) and then collaborate with different boards in cricket and with other sports federations such as FIFA, ATP etc to discuss genuine difficulties and player adjustments and then seek a mature dialogue with WADA. By unilaterally refusing to go with the ICC’s anti-doping agency, the BCCI is making a complete mockery of it’s administrative vision.

It has none perhaps, blinded as it is by its own delusions of invincible power and indestructible might.

For ICC this is the acid test (it has failed all so far being subsumed by India’s treasury operations), but if India refuses to sign-up they should bar India from playing in the Champions Trophy and any and all other international cricket till it follows the rules, without exception.

The arrogance of the BCCI harms India’s reputation in more ways than one.

In the meantime, can someone please provide BCCI with a ” performance-enhancement” drug please? The dopes will be in illustrious company.

03
Aug
09

SEX AAJ KAL

Movie Review : Love Aaj Kal

Stars:    2/5

Love Aaj Kal tries to be a cool, contemporary, cosmopolitan story meant for the so-called multiplex crowd ( those who are essentially tasteless, love over-eating on popcorns at unearthly hours, have assured jobs , wear 3/4ths and walk around as if the multiplex is their private baap-ka-ghar  and are constantly fidgeting with SMS messages which lighten up like night-flies every 3.27 minutes ).  Judging by the awkward response to some in-the-face sexually explicit digs made by Deepika Padukone to her middle-aged lover it is pretty obvious that this rather over-preachy and exaggerated love-tale has missed the point with it’s apparently niche audience. It has.

Firstly guys, let me tell you all movie critics ( not me, I go to see a Hindi film to enjoy principally it’s illogical absurdities) have gone over-board in giving this very sub-standard fare just too many stars and moons than it deserved. If a person is not talented enough to be a novelist, said Norman Mailer, not smart enough to be a lawyer , and his hands are too shaky to perform operations, he becomes a journalist. It is the residual remains from this lot who becomes a movie journalist. If you don’t believe me go read the reviews of one Taran Adarsh on www.BollywoodHungama.com who literally is the self-appointed marketing whiz for several productions ; his reviews appear before anyone else and his eulogies would even embarrass the producer himself. He does not merely write lengthy passages in pedestrian flattery of badly-made cinema but even predicts the box-office success of a film ( he gave Chake De just 2 stars and estimated it would be a colossal wash-out) . Anyway, I am sorry but I have started reviewing the movie critics themselves ( we shall do so at some other time) instead of Love Aaj Kal.

The film explores the dilemma of modern-day lovers; does sex have to necessarily lead to marriage etc etc ? Especially as several distractions with similar challenges are also groping around for quickie alternatives and are freely available at the drop of an underwear. The work-life thing only adds to the confusion and the heart-break.  According to Imtiaz Ali , sex in 2009 is like an economic theory where demand = supply. If you want to fornicate, you will get some and more depending upon whether you are like Saif Ali Khan or Deepika Padukone. Good luck!

Since this is Bollywood,  Imtiaz Ali ( whose Jab We Met was rather nice although it stood out in a year which saw mediocre woman-centric stories) must make sex take the back-seat and bring in the old world charm of the 1960s, where expressing lust was only for vagabonds and all you could do was to give each other coy looks , sidelong glances and sweet curd . No touchy-feely crap, no self-shooting on mobile/video voyeurism , no have-to-grab-you-on-first-date-pressures ; all that naughty stuff was only shaadi ke baad. Mercifully, although boringly predictable and an exact replica of DDLJ ( if you don’t know what that means , go watch an Akshay Kumar film as a punishment) at least this track is well-enacted. But the constant chatter between the age-old romantic ( Rishi Kapoor) and the insatiable Casanova gets pretty boring after a point. Too many words, no action.

What happens in the second – half post  the “  break-up” party  after both have found new soul or bed mates is unintentionally hilarious. Both their temporary appendages are treated like disposable adult diapers while the main couple dither and dance around like confused puppies chasing their own tails. The last 30 minutes is outrageously stupid  despite the fact that Ali apparently thinks he is pushing the envelope.  Instead he ends up pulverizing our senses.

Finally, true love triumphs over casual sex and live-in stuff. And everyone is all smiles.
Khan is good as a Sardar in love, but as the modern-day dude in ripped jeans and a roving eye he is just about as unbearable as Kareena Kapoor is in her interviews . Padukone is a leggy lass who shines in lighter moments but in the scenes demanding some serious tears and emotional churns  she is like an ice-cream, sweet but cold. Dooriyan which is really a fabulous romantic number strangely enough comes in the beginning instead of where it ideally should have been, in the end. The chemistry between the lead pair lacks physics,  biology and zoology.

As for Imtiaz Ali , at least he is different. Both his films have tried something new even if the novelty has not been the best experiment. There is always a third time.

31
Jul
09

BIG SHIT! —-Part 1

I have a little black mini-Daschund ( as if they could shrink further)  who is got four feet just about three inches high, two ears that flap like good ole wooden flap-fans and eyes that have the soporific glazed look of Devdas under some serious alcohol abuse spell . He is called Louis, very French, but that is where the similarities end with that fastidious nationality. He has no obsession for perfectionism or aristocracy .  Louis is now five months old but unknown to him  he has turned our world literally upside down and slippery wet . And it has to do with his shitting habits.

My wife who has by now acquired nearly professional dog-trainer status ( it comes automatically with a  marriage license, I guess) has given up. First, it was the Mumbai Mirror which found its dutiful place under Louis’s  bladders but clearly uninspired by  Kareena Kapoor’s bland interviews , the pink papers followed  down under. Disappointed by the recessionary  headlines, Louis continued happily raining indoors to counter the dry-spell outside. Apparently, the imported newsprint acts as a mobile bathroom while the poor fellow is still teething or teetering with some spillage issues. Or so I was told by my better half with the confidence of a veteran. Either ways, my morning reading habits are now solely dependant on Louis’s ablutions.

Louis ,  of course, is the first dog who actually disobeys without a trace of emotion or guilt. On the contrary, when people scream blue murder as he releases a perfectly well-shaped sausage from his tiny posterior, he actually wonders if something is wrong with us.

Sorry, I have to rush ( pun unintended)  therefore I will have to break this sob or rather shit-story into a few other installments.

28
Jul
09

MESS MEDIA AND MALLIKA

” Mother Teresa never reads the newspaper, never listens to the radio and never watches television so she’s got a pretty good idea of what’s going on in the world”.
Malcolm Muggeridge

I read this morning’s The Times of India ( July 28th 2009)and choked in acute amusement ; outlined on page 18 of my regular daily newspaper ( along with Indian Express the best accompaniment with my morning Lipton Green Label) was a noticeable heading ” Editorial content most trusted by consumers”. I thought that was such a preposterous copy; shouldn’t that be the cardinal truth? The logical fact? Or did one expect full-page advertisements by cash-rich brands to carry greater credibility with customers?
I write this piece because the Indian media is perhaps got to do some serious and transparent introspection instead of feeding us with their typical nonsensical verbiage .

In the late 1990s I briefly dabbled in creating a ” strategic consultancy in integrated communications” firm,  essentially a public relations company called Capital Images PR ( but the majority were too embarrassed to define themselves so) . Public relations was considered a dubious fix-it operation, meant for retired sleazy hacks and corporate communication drop-outs and had a shallow reputation. In Delhi, of course, everyone wanted to be a lobbyist which meant hanging around shadily for festive seasons to distribute gifts and fix appointments. For that precise reason of gross neglect, I  saw a great business opportunity to bring in best practices , research trends, look at investor relations management, media training, reputation audits etc. One year later, I was as disillusioned as a crocodile being  fed low-fat porridge for breakfast.

The high profile corporate customers ( and we worked with some outstanding blue-chip MNC accounts and Indian behemoths) all wanted their mug-shots on the front page no less,  under any circumstances. It was an astronomical  travesty of reality . Even if the CEO just as much as uttered some standard homilies, he thought it should quadruple his market capitalization and deserved breaking news status. My team of hard-working blokes would burn the midnight oil for “chasing” inane badly drafted amateurish press releases coming from ” corp com”—-corporate communications. It was the most bizarre experience of my life, and was accentuated by that crazy business called event management. Everyone was perennially “pushing press releases” —-I know it sounds like a kinky disposition, but the whole firm was obsessed with that obtuse occupation.

There was nothing remotely strategic or vaguely  intelligent about the PR profession ( it may have changed now) ; it was pure donkey -work and the only area demanding creative deployment of grey cells was in choosing ” gifts” to be handed out during press conferences. One company even wanted to hand out sleek table-fans even as my mind whirled in circles at some incredible speed of rotation. I heard strange stories of how the media and the corporate clients would occasionally strike a bargain deal over some extended beer sessions at the Harbour Bar. Hugely frustrated and thoroughly disgusted, I let my first entrepreneurial effort voluntarily vanish into obsolescence. We stopped renewing client contracts, business development meant block progress, and we encouraged employees to seek alternative engagement  with dim-witted options that the industry offered. The only contemporary I met was Dilip Cherian but that was because his Perfect Relations firm had done some work for my wife’s family business. It was to be the best decision of my professional life , soon confirmed by the mighty respectable The Times of India group.

The TOI always considered revolutionary in terms of ad sales packaging saw a brilliant revenue opportunity in the desperation of PR professionals and the maddening megalomania of corporate bigwigs.  So they did the unthinkable in the history of news media ,  they began to ” sell” editorial space for an astronomical fee. It was a shockingly flagrant innovation  but to give TOI full credit, they had no compunctions about it. Selling ad space was always their forte, now they were even auctioning editorial content. And they sold these hamburger package deals with great panache. It was not treated as an advertorial as it had full editorial endorsement .The client even created their own content, but the reader would never be aware of the origin of the paid output. I think the Indian media’s general and ethical standards touched its lowest nadir with that one intrepid master stroke of selling . I believe now it is industry-wide practise in both print and broadcast media and is so customary that no one even allows a fleeting frown on their crease on matters so insignificant. As Oscar Wilde put it, ” Newspapers have degenerated. They may now be absolutely relied upon”.

Rajdeep Sardesai of CNN IBN ( one of the few cerebral heads in a virtual fashion business that news channels have become) has done an excellent piece on the late TV anchor Walter Cronkite, but has failed to mention one crucial point that Cronkite stood against;  the “infotainment” nature of modern-day news dissemination. I would have loved to hear Cronkite’s views on ex-Indian Express editor Arun Shourie who pulled off the mightiest deceptive coup in journalism when he was actually clothed in RSSs khaki-knickers.  Just check our TV channels and tabloids today and it is full of such pasteurized excesses of the puerile variety , it is an insult to an average person’s intelligence. Almost every day there are scores of politicians, sports stars, Bollywood types, TV folks,  just about everyone blaming the media for misquotes, exaggerations and gossip-mongering . Worse, calculated fabrications. Clearly , everyone in the news business is just getting manic about a ” story”.  Go read Harry Potter, folks!

The tragedy of the Indian media is that thanks to their relentless pursuit of mindless TRP numbers they are now being manipulated by all vested interests. So actor Aamir Khan calls a press conference to talk about his sixteen-pack abdomen muscles for Ghajini  , and then sarcastically sniggers that the media today has become so cheesy and cheap. And Hindustan Times keen to charge the TOI bastion in Bombay has enrolled Bollywood stars as weekly columnists. Honestly, it is a scam of epic proportions matching their tactless, ham-handed and outrageous “launch” strategy of revealing Salman Khan-Preity Zinta taped conversations that boomeranged big-time. . I await the day when Mallika Sherawat becomes the full-time editor. Mint, anyone?

After I graduated, I had this massive urge to study at the Times School of Journalism and become a journalist. But then I read somewhere, no news is good news; no journalists is even better news.




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Sanjay Jha on Twitter

  • There is a cyclone forecasted, offices are shutting down, and YET they are talking about the India-Australia match being DELAYED only.Funny. 19 hours ago
  • Bombay is wet and cloudy and dark. If you are not on the road, its cool. If you are , god bless you. 22 hours ago
  • Returned late, thanks to a 3 hour delay. But the rains and the flight skid could have made it worse. Not complaining. 22 hours ago
  • Returned from delhi last nite. Had to give a leadership talk. Liked the heritage village at Manesar on the outskirts of Gurgaon. 22 hours ago
  • The MNS conduct in the assembly should tell the rest of India what innocent Bihari laborers and taxi drivers endure every day from RT's men. 2 days ago

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