KIRSTEN’S “ TOOL-KIT”

WARNING: IF YOU DON”T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, PLEASE STOP RIGHT NOW!

Sex has always been a very popular subject largely because it is so centrally located, I guess. Indian cricket coach Gary Kirtsen ably assisted by  one Paddy Upton  of course has tried hard to make a Peccadillo Circus of it , dazzling billboards standing erect from it’s towering frame. I am referring to the willful “leak” of his nocturnal plans for tired limbs, parched emotions, gnawing loneliness and severe depreciation of  prize assets of Indian cricketers . A  perfect tool-kit as it were. I won’t be surprised if that extraordinary exposition was circulated by Kirsten in hard cover as well, just in case his message failed to hit the bull’s eye . It could also be termed as fairly  user-friendly gesture from the team’s GPs ( Gary and Paddy).. .

When I first read Gary’s  patchily researched thesis on sexual tension affecting on-field performance of Indian players in screaming headlines in a normally conservative newspaper , I felt an unfathomable empathy for our bechara bachachas ( poor boys!)  in that wild country, cooped up in their dreary empty rooms watching their own muscular frames in large mirrors, in utter loneliness as their testosterone levels dipped towards the midnight hour. One also realized that we were into something not explicitly discussed in the more somber Fourth estate—the swinging libido of our paneer-paratha- swallowing stud-machines. It’s a corny issue. Or a horny one, whichever one you might choose. Either way, from the juicy instructions given out like a process note to undergrad chemistry students in their first day in the lab , it makes for some hilarious reading. It’s ticklish, for sure.

Firstly, since most of our chaps have attained puberty I hope , do they need the cricket coach to give them detailed sermons in fine print on basic raw instincts ? For heaven’s sake, I assume they hang out till choked by claustrophobia together, so can’t all this silly sex education be given as part of a chatty discourse? Now Kirsten reminds me of a local Chandni Chowk sexologist we used to get fascinated as kids to see in huge hoardings , who was India’s first official quack—he wore a massive turban and his moustache literally brushed his large ears. I also do confess to hearing some real salacious gossip about some celebrity Indian cricketers in Sri Lanka, the island nation clearly offering much more than just sand, sea breeze and salmons. So the truth is that Kirsten may be dealing with guys who are past-masters at figuring the mandatory work-out to boost sagging spirits to a T(estosterone).  .
I repeat unless Gary and Paddy  feel that our chaps are benign bozos ( and rest assured, some of them may be) you do not have to circulate such claptrap. Some of our guys are , I am assuming  happily married men with kids  , who the last time they may have been in another woman must have gone visiting the Statute of Liberty. I am sure GPs circulation will cause them with a lot to explain for their Man of the Match awards and those amazing records to their suspicious better-halves. The “Man” of the Match award may soon in any case become a misnomer. Everyone’s curiosity will be on that mysterious deserving woman responsible for those on-field pyrotechnics. .

My real objection is to Kirsten’s sloppy historical reference which manifests both factual inaccuracies and a trite explanation of the Indian national attitude. Sorry guys, but that was truly a lot of cock and bull crap.

As for MSD’s men , they will now with official approbation try their hand at sex  ( pun unintended) . Self-help has indeed been redefined.