MS Dhoni it seems perpetrated the most horrendous, barbaric and grizzly crime since August 15 1947 against his own beloved country when India mercilessly thumped South Africa in Eden Gardens, Kolkata to joyfully avenge it’s equally mortifying defeat in Nagpur in the first Test just a few days earlier. At the time of writing though, the Shiv Sena had not yet resorted to asking Dhoni for a public apology for the anti-national act of winning a Test match at home. But a quick synopsis of the emphatic victory first. 

It is indeed rare that a team that loses a Test match by an innings and 57 runs still ends up winning the Man of the Match award. Hashim Amla, the South African number three batsman must have had strange, difficult feelings after Morne Morkel was declared out LBW to the treacherous guile of Harbhajan Singh, furiously celebrating his much-awaited resuscitation after a brief hiatus. Amla’s predicament and heart-burn is understandable as he stood a lonely figure amidst collapsing pillars of the Proteas , accumulating into mountainous ruins. India won the second Test match by a massive margin thus leveling the short series 1-1 and tenaciously holding onto it’s newly acquired no 1 ICC ranking in Test cricket. Four centurions, effective bowling and inspired captaincy makes for a potent threat and a deadly force for any team. South Africa was no exception to the Indian assault. They caved in despite late rearguard resistance.

The Kolkata triumph has to be reviewed in it’s contextual relevance post-the brouhaha that was caused by the Nagpur rout . The continued injury of senior batsmen like Rahul Dravid and Yuvraj Singh certainly aggravated Dhoni’s woes. But more importantly the colossal damage caused to self-confidence and team morale after an unexpected white-wash could have been fairly debilitating even for those with a hard hide. The win is therefore worth it’s weight in gold biscuits. Also, India was up against a determined adversary. But even as the uncorking of champagne bottles seemed germane there were may chronic cynics who were already pouring unfiltered cold water over it. Big deal, they said.

An argument that several cricket analysts and deep-seated pundits often make with great relish since the time the dinosaurs chose extinction over George Bush Jr is that India continues to decimate opponents only at home. It is an endless monologue uttered with half-baked conviction , a peculiarly distorted theory but one which finds plenty of popular acceptance. It is of course true to a large extent , but I have a simple answer—-SO WHAT? Would they rather that we lose these matches at home? Will that satiate their craving for neutral , same -as -everywhere level-playing field environment whatever that is? By the way, wasn’t Dhoni’s request for a spinner-friendly wicket turned down by the Kolkata curators ,anyway?

Incidentally, can weather conditions, nature of soil and pitch behavior , heavy dew and blowing dust , slant of the sunshine, excess humidity, crowd conduct, the nature of balls causing reverse swing, even the sight-screen and playing hours be homogenized amongst cricket-playing nations? Would not cricket be a boring predictable fare if every venue offered you standardized fare, if at all that was possible ? Is it not the thrill of playing in different, diverse and even deceitful conditions which really tests the best and encompasses the beauty of the game? Would we have still not called Roger Federer the greatest ever for his mind-numbing acquisition of grand slams even if he had not won a solitary French Open, albeit the latter truly made it even more memorable ? Was not Steve Waugh all charged up to pulverize the Final Frontier because of it’s historical duplicitous inaccessibility to them over many decades? Diversity applies to all, and is not just India’s monkey.

By the way, did not the same Graeme Smith’s team send us howling after the hammering in the BCCI chief’s home-town only a week ago , right ? And Nagpur is in India, no?? And didn’t the final frontier finally crack, crumble and collapse against the Australians in 2004, , co-incidentally in Nagpur itself? While a victory abroad is certainly laudable, how is it really different from a hard-earned win or a casual walk-over at home?

If you have been following things other than the senseless IPL-related imbroglio which grabs sustained headlines from one meaningless controversy to another meaningful triviality, you will find that Australia has discourteously if not with altogether extreme vulgarity sent Pakistan and West Indies packing in death-defying hurry from the comfort of their familiar home-living room. Did not England win back-to-back Ashes series while having fried fish and chips in the good ole’English weather ? . Does that in any way diminish their superlative show?

Cricket analysts are recommended to kindly follow the Davis Cup tournament format to understand why Spain ( with Rafa Nadal , Fernanado Verdasco and David Ferrer) is unlikely to provide the USA (Andy Roddick, Sam Querry and John Isner) with fast hard-courts instead of it’s famous red clay at a home encounter. And vice versa. Why does Leander Paes always sport a sly grin when playing on green grass? When you call someone home for a meal do you check with the guests their preferred menu ? You know what, I don’t. And frankly, we always end up offering the same meal for our unsuspecting friends what we usually like ourselves the most. That is frankly the ” home truth”.

I think this “winning abroad” obsession is a mind-set issue. A win is a win, period! Will the Aussies ever make Perth into a deceptive deluding turner just because Harbhajan Singh might want to tease them with a tweak? Never ! Yet, against all bleak forecasts of preordained doom, we won there right ? Therefore if we feast on them like crunchy salad in our dust-bowls, so be it. It is quid pro quo. Frankly, it evens out. Just as much as we harangue our boys about winning abroad, shouldn’t the overseas teams be equally challenged to topple us on our turf? In fact, the best thing about playing in different conditions is that it compels global players to become adaptive to new environments even as they must preserve their stranglehold on domestic terrains. Each is as important as the other. I think it is about time we discarded the bad habit of attaching a premium to an overseas win , even as we discount our domestic reveling. It is a heads you win, tails I lose proposition.

There is an old Indian saying that apne ghar me chooha bhi sher hota hai (in one’s own home even the rat is like a lion). At least after the Kolkata win, India is ahead in the rat-race. At home!

Before we hang the Men in Blue by their cropped locks (long curls and pony-tails seem passé for India’s young brigade) first, the fundamental flaw. And second, how TV ratings and the Big Boss attitude of BCCI and it’s incestuous sponsors ensured India’s abbreviated presence in the ICC Champions Trophy 2009.

The ICC Champions Trophy format for entering the semi-finals was inherently skewed. They tried the FIFA combination of making it into a mini-league tournament without even the basic comprehension that FIFA matches are all fully completed ones (even if a drawn result). That is what makes the final result of league winners beyond dispute and unnecessary conjecture. Thus, it is a “fair and just” league format. This is precisely where the ICC blundered big-time.

If we have just 2 groups of 4 teams each, every game becomes a virtual knock-out for an early loser or net run-rate based good-fortunes becomes germane. The prime pre-requisite is a “completed match” otherwise teams are subject to whimsical weather conditions depriving them of a fair competitive opportunity. Ideally, they should have made each team play the other twice to establish fair results (since only the Top 8 teams were playing anyway), but since the more lucrative T20 Champions League awaits instant inauguration in a few days, that luxurious benefit had to undergo an austerity measure. So there were no rest days which in reality should be mandatory for international tournaments. Thus, India got somewhat literally washed out of the Australian clash depriving them of any scope for resurrection. When you are already trailing behind, a drawn result is like kissing your sister.

The ICC could have just gone for a do-or-die knock-out tournament like in Kenya 2000, but hey, that would have been little moolah for the sponsoring TV channel as there would be barely 7 matches to telecast. With the ODI version awaiting some tough examination, the ICC failed in giving the tournament what it desperately required – a serious competitive edge. South Africa, India and Sri Lanka tumbled out for their generous contribution in the Joy of Giving week . And overall, almost expectedly the public reception remained as frozen as a margarita. Frankly, the tournament has been a woebegone flop-show.

The Indians were distinctly insipid against their traditional adversaries Pakistan, but the latter deserves maximum credit for mounting a determined effort. Even if for only a brief period till the next T20 World Cup, Pakistan is riding high on that unexpected triumph in England and is relishing the world champion tag. The consequent buoyant confidence is evident. Thus, our neighbors have broken their dismal jinx against us in ICC championships. We beat the Windies convincingly, Tendulkar batted just once, and the rain took care of the rest. We were left ruing the consequences of mounting hubris.

In short, India has basically paid an astronomical price for BCCI greed and sponsor’s arrogance. Let me ask you; why was India’s match scheduled for prime-time TV viewing on a Saturday, days after the tournament had commenced? Don’t other countries in similar time zones or better ones also have a right to their peak audience? Since South Africa has several cricket grounds, why was India’s match delayed for week-end viewing? Why was our second crucial match slotted within 48 hours on a national holiday of Dussehra on Monday? Isn’t that perhaps the real reason why there was no rest day, otherwise India would have ended up playing on three consecutive days? And finally, wasn’t that one unfinished game against the Oz perhaps ultimately responsible for our early elimination, making the West Indies match as inconsequential as a video-game?

The truth is that ICC has blatantly followed BCCI sponsor diktats , and schedules India’s games at sponsor friendly times even at the cost of manipulating standard operating procedures for international matches ( the annulment of buffer days). It is really ridiculous. The fact that a Sunday has became a rest -day before the final being held on a Monday is atrocious and ideally makes no business-sense. But you know what I suspect? There was a supercilious assumption that India would enter the semi-finals anyway ( week-end traffic) , and that is where the TRPs would be staggering. If they reached the finals, knowing the crazy Indian hysteria, even a Monday would not matter.

Just because we have global cricket’s ATM machines centralized in India, we are behaving as if have a natural birthright to world championships. As the last two tournaments have established, overseas cricketers are using our hospitable turf for both match practise , summer diversion and windfall earnings and moving on to play serious cricket in their home tournaments. What are we doing instead? We are going even beyond the IPL and creating city-based T20 corporate leagues, and soon a Sachin Tendulkar or MS Dhoni will also be playing for Dabur , DLF or Dharamsi Morarji Chemicals. We are making our international assets into club cricketers. Mukesh Ambani and Preity Zinta might soon decide India’s and ICCs Test calendar as well. It is time we lowered our foolish aspirations of winning major tournaments, as our obsession to constantly manipulate international cricket is boomeranging on our faces.

Last I heard, some team called Cobras were busy hissing around at practise on our desi-soil. . Champions or Losers League, I don’t quite care. I am not joking, but I seriously suffer from ophidiophobia.

WARNING: IF YOU DON”T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, PLEASE STOP RIGHT NOW!

Sex has always been a very popular subject largely because it is so centrally located, I guess. Indian cricket coach Gary Kirtsen ably assisted by  one Paddy Upton  of course has tried hard to make a Peccadillo Circus of it , dazzling billboards standing erect from it’s towering frame. I am referring to the willful “leak” of his nocturnal plans for tired limbs, parched emotions, gnawing loneliness and severe depreciation of  prize assets of Indian cricketers . A  perfect tool-kit as it were. I won’t be surprised if that extraordinary exposition was circulated by Kirsten in hard cover as well, just in case his message failed to hit the bull’s eye . It could also be termed as fairly  user-friendly gesture from the team’s GPs ( Gary and Paddy).. .

When I first read Gary’s  patchily researched thesis on sexual tension affecting on-field performance of Indian players in screaming headlines in a normally conservative newspaper , I felt an unfathomable empathy for our bechara bachachas ( poor boys!)  in that wild country, cooped up in their dreary empty rooms watching their own muscular frames in large mirrors, in utter loneliness as their testosterone levels dipped towards the midnight hour. One also realized that we were into something not explicitly discussed in the more somber Fourth estate—the swinging libido of our paneer-paratha- swallowing stud-machines. It’s a corny issue. Or a horny one, whichever one you might choose. Either way, from the juicy instructions given out like a process note to undergrad chemistry students in their first day in the lab , it makes for some hilarious reading. It’s ticklish, for sure.

Firstly, since most of our chaps have attained puberty I hope , do they need the cricket coach to give them detailed sermons in fine print on basic raw instincts ? For heaven’s sake, I assume they hang out till choked by claustrophobia together, so can’t all this silly sex education be given as part of a chatty discourse? Now Kirsten reminds me of a local Chandni Chowk sexologist we used to get fascinated as kids to see in huge hoardings , who was India’s first official quack—he wore a massive turban and his moustache literally brushed his large ears. I also do confess to hearing some real salacious gossip about some celebrity Indian cricketers in Sri Lanka, the island nation clearly offering much more than just sand, sea breeze and salmons. So the truth is that Kirsten may be dealing with guys who are past-masters at figuring the mandatory work-out to boost sagging spirits to a T(estosterone).  .
I repeat unless Gary and Paddy  feel that our chaps are benign bozos ( and rest assured, some of them may be) you do not have to circulate such claptrap. Some of our guys are , I am assuming  happily married men with kids  , who the last time they may have been in another woman must have gone visiting the Statute of Liberty. I am sure GPs circulation will cause them with a lot to explain for their Man of the Match awards and those amazing records to their suspicious better-halves. The “Man” of the Match award may soon in any case become a misnomer. Everyone’s curiosity will be on that mysterious deserving woman responsible for those on-field pyrotechnics. .

My real objection is to Kirsten’s sloppy historical reference which manifests both factual inaccuracies and a trite explanation of the Indian national attitude. Sorry guys, but that was truly a lot of cock and bull crap.

As for MSD’s men , they will now with official approbation try their hand at sex  ( pun unintended) . Self-help has indeed been redefined.